Decorative gourd addiction in America is a problem Biden must address

Hey there, fellow Americans. It’s fall, and I think it’s time we had a talk about your autumnal gourd addiction.

If I’m being honest, it’s gotten out of hand.

You can’t throw a squash this time of year without hitting a gourd display. They’re in bins in front of grocery stores, in window boxes outside homes, uselessly encircling front-yard trees and filling decorative bowls on more dining room tables than I dare mention.

We should’ve seen our gourd problem coming

We’ve known things were getting bad gourd-wise since the 2009 publication of humor writer Colin Nissan’s landmark McSweeney’s essay, “IT’S DECORATIVE GOURD SEASON, (EXPLETIVES).”

That should’ve been a red flag that what was once an under-control gourd curiosity had turned problematic. But we sailed right past it, and now, in the year 2022, we find ourselves a nation strung out on largely inedible herbaceous fruit.

Cucurbitaceae have become the fall enthusiasts’ hard-shelled cocaine.

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Gourd statistics are truly staggering

Here’s a shocking statistic: Each year, Americans buy more than 2 billion gourds, which works out to roughly 16 gourds per US household.

I just made those numbers up, but the fact that you briefly believed them shows just how bad our gourd habit has become.

A horrifying display of inedible mutant fruits.

Gourds are wart-covered mistakes of nature

What’s most troubling about American gourd-hoarding is the absurdity of the gourd itself. While gourds have been used through much of human history as cups, bowls and containers, the smallish fruits people fancy for decor tend to be both inedible and, more important, almost disturbingly weird looking.

Unlike the regal and often-symmetrical pumpkins we buy each year to carve at Halloween – smartly wasting the edible portions then setting the jack-o’-lanterns outside to slowly rot in the sun – decorative gourds come in freakish shapes, bent in places where no bend should be and covered in wart-like bumps. They look like a failure of natural selection. Like evolution popped off for a quick nap and came back to find … these things.

The Gnarled Ectoplasmic Filth Log is one of the worst of all the gourds.

I’ve given them names for easier categorization, ranging from the Gnarled Ectoplasmic Filth Log to the Corn-Knobbed Blarplefart. But nothing I’ve done to point out the abject hideousness of these ungodly fruit errors has stemmed the tide of gourd enthusiasm.

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President Joe Biden must address America’s gourd addiction

So with this column, I am formally calling upon President Joe Biden and his administration to issue an executive order to rein in America’s grotesque gourd dependency. It can be called the Mono-Gourd Accord, and the rules will be strict but simple.

The corner stand has a variety of gourds in the fall.

Every American family is allotted one gourd per year. If a family cannot afford a gourd, one will be provided to them by the federal government, thus eliminating the widespread gourd inequity this country has wrestled with for so long. Under the Mono-Gourd Accord, no family shall go gourd-less.

America’s new gourd policy will be strictly enforced

Families will still be permitted to buy Halloween pumpkins, even though they are technically gourds. (In the accord, this is called the All Hollow’s Exception.)

Any family found to have more than one decorative gourd will be sentenced to one month in the pumpkin-spice mines of central Illinois and will be banned from burning scented candles for no fewer than two holiday seasons.

This new gourmet policy might save the environment

Along with saving Americans money they might otherwise blow on their gourd cravings, the Mono-Gourd Accord will help in our fight against climate change.

Most of the gourds Americans throw out wind up in landfills where they release an estimated 12 million metric tons of methane, a greenhouse gas, each year.

A hideously common gourd, known by its scientific name as

That figure is also completely fabricated, but it sounds believable, and that’s why the Biden administration must enact the Mono-Gourd Accord immediately.

America needs a gourmet intervention, Mr. President.

Please save us before we blow our retirement on shellac for the 12 dozen artisanal Corn-Knobbed Blarplefarts we picked up at the farmer’s market.

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHuppke and Facebook:

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